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I Own a Bittersweet Flashlight

by Matt Thibeault

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1.
A lone streetlight Fades behind you You close your eyes I’m by your side Waiting for you Just cross the line Cross the line A blood red sign Beckons to you You stop in time One look behind Nothing for you Leave it behind It’s all behind This is the start This is something new for us
2.
Ski Club at night With the volume at 20 Isn’t it funny what we remember? Andy is singing Of how Martha sways And I can’t help but think about her now And I’m holding her now Her chin on my shoulder, her shelter grows colder And I now I fear her dissolving Into those thick revolving clouds I don’t want you to go Here I am sobbing To some dance at a party And thinking the story will end up mine I’ve seen what death Does to innocent hearts And I think of how dark it is without you And I’m here without you In a four-person car With all seat-warmers on And I know That the end, it is distant But these roads are so persistent now I don’t want you to go
3.
There was a time when we were young We were out to change the world So we picked up our guitars And we waited for the girls I was proud and full of grit But I’d melt like a candlestick Dripped all over my guitar I did not go very far Maybe I’m mad Maybe I’m a child Maybe I’m bad Maybe I’m just deaf Maybe I should stop Every time I pluck a string I remember everything And I cry on my guitar And I sing with all my heart Maybe I’m mad Maybe I’m a child Maybe I’m bad Maybe I’m just deaf Maybe I should stop
4.
I-4. Drink 05:10
Drink It is all you are It is how you feel Anything at all Drink It is all you do It is how you breathe It helps you make things real It is how you feel Drink It is how you feel It helps you make things real Drink It is your escape It is how you dream Anything but here Drink Anesthetic arms It is how you sleep It helps you make things real It is how you feel Drink It is how you feel It helps you make things real Why can’t you just be Anything but you? So drink.
5.
She says it’s the end of the world So I’ve heard I think she’s got one bad case of nerves Won’t you breathe in, breathe out Put that blunt down You are just stoned Make sure she’s not (alone) Alone again, here we are Separate from time and space I can’t feel my face Reach out for your destiny Just try not to lose your mind One foot at a time She says she thinks she’s going to hurl Help that girl (help that girl) I think she’s got one bad case of nerves Won’t you try to sit down Stop spinning around You are just fine Stop wasting my time It’s time to leave this basement Reefer madness took her mind Wait ’til she unwinds She’s laughing to nothing I think that she should be confined To protect mankind I’m feeling light-headed Let’s get home, leave this behind One foot at a time
6.
I’ve realized it may hurt But now I know it was real Now, while the sky’s falling down I’ve never felt more alive You taught me how I could love How to trust and how to smile I’ve realized it may hurt But it was worth it all the while Whatever may become of us Whatever time may reconcile It was worth it all the while
7.
There’s a method to this madness Play a stranger in a lover’s skin Lose yourself and let the magic Print your likeness on a roll of film Reach inside, you may like What you find within your mind Something’s wrong with me I can’t find my normal self Don’t let go of me Something's wrong with me I can't find my normal shell Don't let go There’s a strangeness to this acting When you start to cry another’s tears Your personality’s erratic Borrowing a voice that isn’t yours Reach inside, you may like What you find within your mind Something’s wrong with me I can’t find my normal self Don’t let go of me Something's wrong with me I can't find my normal shell Don't let go of me
8.
I-8. Sablier 04:44
Calm night With a face so white Mistaken for a piece of art White noise A starry grain And you fall off into the dark Goodbye Oh, world Have you found her smile As it streaks across your barren sky And hits my eye Time flies Escapes a sigh And implodes inside your little heart Those precious eyes, they fall apart Somewhere out there Time broke your heart Somewhere out there You broke my... Cold hands An embrace of sand As it pours out the hourglass Somewhere out there Time stole my...
9.
I try too hard To please myself And I wonder why I’m unlike anyone else And I wonder why I want to be somebody else I try too hard To be myself And I wonder why I have nobody else And I wonder why I’m hated by everyone else It takes a special type of finesse to screw up being oneself Kick him while he’s down and steal his eco-friendly wallet while he dribbles on himself Well it’s our time now Yeah, it’s our time now I try too hard It takes a special type of finesse to screw up being oneself Kick him while he’s down and steal his eco-friendly wallet while he dribbles on himself Well it’s our time now Yeah, it’s our time now Wake up people, look at what you’ve done, look what you’ve become You’re exactly what they want ‘Cause it’s our time now Yeah, it’s our time now I try too hard To end myself
10.
II-1. Her 02:40
And you’re still there I hold you in my dreams Your hair brushes my cheek And I wake up Clutching the covers Listening for whispers Ghost of a nightmare I see you, hear you, feel you everywhere A final imprint on my pillowcase My beloved, you were everything You kept my world safely in your arms
11.
Counting the leaves on the trees just to feel less alone while the sun holds its breath Watching the porch lights come on just to feel more at home while the sky goes to bed Looking through old photographs just to feel less alone Picking at hairs on the sheets just to feel more at home while the clock takes a rest Listening to laughs in the street just to feel less alone while the pavement welcomes its guests Hanging your clothes next to mine just to feel more at home Reading your letters aloud just to feel less alone All alone, endlessly checking the phone Get up one day and... I talk to myself in my sleep just to feel less alone while the shadows collide I find myself wearing a mask just to feel more at home while my real face hangs down by my side Call out to ghosts from the past just to feel less alone Send myself out with the trash just to feel more at home All alone, endlessly checking the phone All alone, I sing while my heart turns to stone Get up one day and... gone. You’re gone.
12.
So long, my old friend Until we meet again It kills me to watch you melt Into the cracks, into the concrete on which I walk Primal self-defence Trying to keep my head Words fall off the shelves And shatter into millions of pieces And when you’ve had enough You shut down And if you’ve had enough You shut down Force yourself, make me happy Clarity Tell yourself that you love me Say it, softly Sadly So long, my old friend Until we meet again
13.
Pretty poison Ocean eyes Acquiescent smile But all these memories Get too close And I overdose You are my heroin(e) Silent whisper Sleight of hand Evanescent touch These lucid daydreams Get too close And I am comatose I feel you coursing Through my veins Running through my brain Let me see her One more time Just one last time You are my heroin(e)
14.
The world is still spinning when you’re not around Forgive my surprise, I hoped I was wrong And the sky had turned grey and the air had gone flat But my skin stayed intact, I did not disappear Now, why are you here, if not for someone else? Why do you live, if not for anyone else? I find myself crying ‘cause you’re not around Forgive my red eyes, I thought you would too And my heart tried to give while my lungs screamed your name But my pulse stayed the same and the silence pushed through Now, why are you here, if not for someone else? Why do you live, if not for anyone else? Why do you grieve, if not for someone else? Why do you breathe, if not for anyone else? The world is still spinning when you’re not around...
15.
Say what you will If you could choose to create an illusion If you could hide it all behind a curtain If you could let it brood inside your stomach I would I’ve got so many distractions now But it’s too late Dream the ideal If could make a space in which you accept it If you could find a way where you may forget it If your reveries became the authentic I would I’ve got so many distractions now But it’s too late Begin again What I wouldn't give to begin again The innocence of being friends The nervous reaching for your hand To forget again To restart again Here I go again Begin again What I wouldn't do to begin again To fight the curse of the modern man To bring us back to how we were then To forget again To restart again Here I go again
16.
Do you remember the morning after When our love was a fire The amateur arsonist fell for the flower And I could not bear to burn the one thing that mattered We listened for hours to the strings of our hearts Our gazes transfixed on all moving parts And you were the only one that could start To paint me a smile like a new piece of art We built a fire on a damp night in May The embers enveloped us and took us away We sat by the dock and let the waves soothe our pains I picked at the wood to expose all the wane I said, “beauty is the center when all else falls away, “and love is for those who are truly insane.” We built a fire on a damp night in May The embers enveloped us and took us away Our love was a fire Our love was a fire that burned all else away

about

The two-part album explores the phases of Distraction and Reality tied to the end of a relationship and one's realization that they must move on.

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released October 26, 2018

Vince Aquilina, Sam Depatie, Pierre Duchesne, Shawn Sasyniuk, Andrew Sowka, Sully Sullivan

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Matt Thibeault North Bay, Ontario

NOMFA Award-winning artist from North Bay, Ontario.

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